Jesus Isn't Jasper Hale

"I'm just tired of walking upright.
When I don't mean right,
I just want to look right."
-As Cities Burn

I can't tell you how many times I've used God. I can't tell you how many times I've prayed a quick prayer full of promises I'll never carry out just so I can put myself in a good mood, or how many times I've read my Bible just to feel productive. I can't tell you how many mission trips I've considered going on or how many times I've told a 'little white' lie or how many times I've gone to church or read Christian books to make me feel a little more godly, a little more like a superstrong Christian. I often ask God to use me, but more than that, I want to feel used. I hate praying for missionaries far away and for my future and for other stuff like that, because I can't see immediate results. I'd rather spend my time praying for my math test tomorrow or the church service tonight or my cold or my sister to make it safely home from college, because I see immediate results. We all love when God answers our prayers in an obvious way because it makes us feel good, so praying for not incredibly important stuff in the very near future is an easy way to see God 'work'. It takes less faith. Ah, faith. It's my F-word because I like to avoid it. I'd rather read blogs than the Bible because I don't have to try to learn something. It's just someone else telling me what they learned, which is awesome, just not in place of the Bible. I'd rather listen to Christian music and read Christian books, not because I just thoroughly enjoy them, but because they feel safe and make me seem godly(at least in my mind).
But I think all this is far from godly. I think it's very religious. It's empty. It's worthless. It's about looking good and feeling good...which is for fashion magazines, not Jesus.I don't want a fashion-magazine faith. I don't think Jesus is interested in being my own personal Jasper Hale, I think He's interested in having a relationship with me. I think He's interesting in being trusted. I think He's interested in truly using me in a way that has nothing to do with me, in helping me to be patient when I pray for things that won't have an answer this week, this month, this year, or even this side of eternity. I think He's interested in teaching me, showing Himself to me, loving me and just walking with me all the days of my life, no matter how messy and crazy it gets. And I think He's interested in changing me into someone who truly honors Him, no matter how much it hurts in the process.

Much love,
Marissa


P.S. For those of you who live under a rock, Jasper Hale is a character in Twilight who can affect people's emotions with his magical powers. Just thought I'd clear that up.